im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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