Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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