Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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