Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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