dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
