part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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