If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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