you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
