My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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