I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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