This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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