All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
