The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
His hands were made for my vagina.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
