He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
