You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
