I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
