Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
