i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
