He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
