So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
