I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize