They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
