he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
