cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
