Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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