I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
