that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
