if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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