Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
