I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
