I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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