Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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