a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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