ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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