Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
