I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
