I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
birth control should be required to get into college
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
