Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can you bring me the toilet please
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
