she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
