yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
