I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize