Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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