There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
