gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
