Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
