she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
