So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
