so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
