Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
