He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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