Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
