your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I FOUND THE LEGS
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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