god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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