Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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