It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
