I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
