i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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