i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Panties = found
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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