Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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