Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
